*(my pretty fake smile]

I wanted to post something that will make me feel better. ive been through a lot this past month. ive struggled fought hard and tried to keep my head straight. School+Brokenheart= Fake Smiles&Disaster.the worst part of getting your heart broken is the fact that no matter all the work school can throw at you ,no matter what kiddie problems you have to solve, no matter what family problems your going through, despite the growing number of supportive friends, despite keeping yourself locked up in the thought of moving on, and in some crazy way you still find thoughts wandering back to that person, thinking about the might have beens, all your plans, and then your mind just goes blank again. you end up realizing the fact that you are not with him now,ad your not moving back, and that theres a life ahead of you with plenty of boys who can love you the same or even better. but what if there isnt? we still talk,call,e-mail,but i wish i can just visit him again, or at least give him a proper goodbye. i dont know if its helping that i think about him all the time,well it surely isnt because i still get that glimpse of hope of wanting us to get back together,wanting us to just walk cortelyou road hand in hand,meeting up at the train station in the morning,sneaking out just for a hug and a kiss. but how do you become friends with someone who you thought would be THE one for you? how can you still be friends with someone who is so special but oh so far away. i am still trapped in the tangled web of despair, hopelessness, of broken dreams and a shattered heart. i want to scream out loud, I STILL LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU and despite everything thats been said and done but im afraid it will only complicate things. but everything happened so quickly i wish i could go back in time and fix everything. and its not even like we broke up over normal boyfriend girlfriend issues, it was the MOVE, the move that i made the change that i walked into, the LIFE i left behind! im starting to disappoint the people who are very important to me. every one is telling me to get over it,but for some reason hes to special to let go. but reader dont think im just an obsesive ex girlfriend, the feelings are mutual, he tells me everytime i hang up the phone.ive been using the positive vibe ever since the "breakup"but the fact is, its the fake smile is starting to wear off and my hoplessness is starting to show. im trying to burry the fact that I feel like a loser. and it seems like i can give advice to everyone without having the guts to apply it in my own life. ive been there for the people who needed me, but i am not there for myself, and whos here for me? NO ONE! no one can help me out of this one, no one feels the same way as i do . i can help heal my friends broken hearts, but I dont know how I can fix mine. and as frustrating as it can be. how can i fall so hard and not notice that im completely, most definetly lost in memories. and yes, i am STILL in LOVE with the memories. i feel like if i open a book, and i can find pieces reminding me of him. and ill just take a trip to Borders and find a book entitled, “Marcus' Life" and it seems like everything i see reminds me of HIM… and the truth is, i just can’t take it anymore!